The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Day 3, Time 13.00

Debilitating Depression. That’s what Google says I’m going through right now. Literally, it means being depressed to such an extent that you make yourself weak and vulnerable to further depression, which as you would have guessed, puts me again at the starting point of this vicious cycle.

I’ve read that the third day is the hardest. The day when you realize that you’ve siphoned off the last of your adrenaline juice. Oh my sweet, sweet adrenalin!!! My great warrior!! You’ve fought the battle valiantly for me. But now, I know it is just me against the monster. It taunts me into going back to my old ways, constantly reminding me of the sweet memories I’ve had in the past.

To try not to think about those memories, I tried to read articles about quitting addictions. Here are a few excerpts that caught my eye.

“…Expectations are higher than ever before. Yet the one thing you depended on to cope with stress -- the addictive behavior -- is now off limits. This is why it is so important to have other ways of coping firmly established, ideally before quitting…”

Well, that’s just great. I should have read about things like this before I stopped doing something which was second nature to me. Now, I’m here – all alone, helpless and vulnerable – and I have to try to force me away from my addiction without a specific plan.

“…Ambivalence, the mixed feelings of both wanting to continue with the addictive behavior and wanting to quit, is part of the addictive process…. Often, this is felt in terms of "right" and "wrong," a moral dilemma….”

And this moral dilemma is further compounded by the following argument…

 "I would rather live a shorter life and be happy than quit and be miserable."

Well, that sentence draws a very thin line between right and wrong, and I’m not going to try and push you onto any one side of it. All I say is that you should think for yourself, keeping in mind that it is your life and your decisions, and make a choice.

I’ve read somewhere that all choices in life can be divided into two – the Good and the Pleasant. In this case, the “shorter, happy” life would be Pleasant one, and the “quitting, miserable” life would be the good one. I chose pleasant before. I’m choosing good now.

Upon further reading, I’ve come across the various effects that can arise due to withdrawals from addictions namely - Anhedonia, paranoia, psychosis, anxiety, agitation, suicidal thoughts, and vivid, lucid nightmares etc etc.

Well, I should have expected nightmares since I’m dealing with this monster.

Day 2, Time 19.45

Not much to report from today as it was a holiday at the office, due to the festival of Holi. I would have been halfway on the highway to madness by now, if it weren’t for my juniors. Playing holi, a game of football, a game of cards, 10 hours of sleep and some friendly face-to-face banter helped me keep myself away from the monster. Even though I was enjoying myself, I was constantly reminded of its presence, which was like an unknown shadow following me, waiting for a lapse in my concentration, so that it can make me fall prey to it again.

Luckily for me, I live to see another day in this new path I’ve chosen for myself. I just hope tomorrow will be easy like today.

Day 1, Time 23.15

Office got over slow. I didn’t want it to be so slow, but it was. I still haven’t found that key which controls time yet. Maybe I could have used the years I had in between the minutes I had to pass at the office to find that key. That would be a task worthy of me right now, especially because I don’t know how to pass my time since I quit my addiction.

It wasn’t that tough to rein in my thoughts of going back. I kept hallucinating that there is this huge iron hand holding me by my hair as I try to run back to my dear old friend. That mirage of having an iron fist holding me back did nothing to actually hold me back. The real reason for that was the “new year resolution” syndrome.

You would know how that works. The guilt of going back to do something you decided not to do is really strong on the day after you make that decision. This is normally associated with the way people behave with regards to their New Year resolution - hence the name.

Day 0, Time 20.06

I think I’ve reached the watershed moment in my addiction. Either I quit, or continue living this lie of a life. I don’t know how I’ll be able to live without this, how I’ll plough through these unforgiving times I’ve planned for myself, but I know that I’ll be strong enough to face them. This small effort I’m going to make tonight might be lost into the obscurity as another one of my attempts to quit, or become the single-most influential step I’ve taken till now.

With a prayer to the one watching over me from above to make this not another false-start, I checked the box written “Deactivate” and clicked on the “Save changes” button.  With that, my dear friends, I’ve quit Facebook.

P.S. To make the transition complete, I’ve signed out of chat on Gmail, quit twitter and stopped the internet service on my mobile. From now on, no chats, no pings, no pokes, no whatsapping. If you want to talk to me, meet/call/text me. I’ll do likewise if I want to interact with you. And this blog shall remain the only online portal through which I’ll continue to spew my madness. And you are welcome to not read it, if you find it not to your taste. On the other hand, if you welcome my tirades on life, please feel free to come back another time to check if I’ve something fresh for you to read. Thank you.

POST-SCRIPT

Day 7, Time 20.06

It’s all NOT going fine, but it could have been worse. It’s been seven days and I still am to go back to my old ways. I’ve started reading again, I’m writing again, I’m calling up my friends again, I’m going out (anywhere), I’m thinking of ways to spend my time productively, which includes dusting off the cobwebs on my director’s hat, which I had left untouched since 2010.

It is for exactly these little things that I committed this virtual social suicide for.