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This post was originally posted in “whatitmeanstobehari.blogspot.com”, my previous blog… Half the people who read it at that time couldn’t understand the head or tail of it… And I can’t blame them… I wrote this as an emotionally drained grandson… So I have now decided to edit the original post, and repost it here for it to make some sense to you… Read it through, and tell me about a great talk you have had with your grandparents…
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He used to tell me, actually teach me about all the things in the world… Till the age of ten, the half an hour power cut every day was actually story time for me and my cousin sister … The majestic lives of Akbar and Birbal, the legends of Ram and Krishna, the whole big bang theory, evolution of life, dinosaurs, anything and everything... Such was the variety of things he talked to us about, that I can’t understand for what reason I stopped this tradition of ours… We hadn’t talked like this since I was a little boy… Until…
16.08.09 (whatever I’m saying in this conversation have been given in italics)
"Do you remember your grandmother’s brother??? He was tall... Like you... I think taller than you... Six feet four... or five... Well, no one was there to take care of him in the end, and your grandmother and I decided to that... He was bed ridden, till the very end… He had once asked me to get him a bottle of kallu (Kerala’s very own brand of alcohol)... He said even a half would be enough, but that he just wanted a taste of it, before he died... I asked him how I could get him that, when I have never bought one in my life...”
“He said, “There is a shaap (a place where you get kallu) at the junction... Just go in and tell my name... They'll give you my usual...””
“But I could not bring alcohol inside the house to give to a sick old man... My morals and the fear of what society will say made me reject his request…. A few of his fellow drinking friends used to visit him... I asked him to get the stuff through them…. But even they didn’t get his quota, and he died without getting that last drop he so much yearned for…”
“I have never felt bad for not getting him that last drop till now... But now my conscience is hurting... I feel his pain because I’m in the same stage as he was now... And it would end the same, if someone didn’t get me a beedi (cigarette) or a pakku (pan) before I die…”
“Why are you talking like this?? You are not that old... You'll live long...”
“One doesn’t know how much longer one is going to live at my stage... Getting one last chance of enjoying our favourite thing will be heaven on earth for a person of my age… I denied that chance for him…. I did a terrible thing… It was wrong… I should have bought him that… I could not understand him then…”
“What if someone doesn’t understand me at my end??? I just wish that I don’t have to be bed ridden... I don’t want to make my children suffer... I want to die in one go… You know, the best death is when you die in your sleep... You go to bed like always... You close your eyes... You never wake up… But only lucky people get that... I hope I’m lucky…”
“And what will I get by living a longer life?? I will be causing more trouble for you...”
“Taking care of you is not a trouble... It’s our duty...”
“Yes, it’s your duty… But as I get older, my bodily systems will get weaker... I'll need help... Always… Then, it'll be troublesome for both you and me... And I don’t have much more to see in this world... I would just like to see your sister's marriage and you getting a job... Just one more year will be enough for me... I just hope that I don’t get bed ridden...”
21.08.09
12.20pm
As I waiting for paying my bus fees at college, I get a call from home... It was my mom… “Kannan, come home now… Grandfather is not well... Its urgent…Come here fast...”
Even though my paranoid mind kept playing out the worst case scenarios, I convinced myself through the hour long ride back home that he was fine… Maybe some minor problem to his health… I remembered that he was out in the front yard in the morning, watering the plants, when I left for college…
As I reached home, Mom meets me at the gate... She's not crying now... That’s good, I thought…. But from her face, it seemed like she had just stopped crying... Mom takes my helmet from my hand... And then she starts crying... In the midst, she says, "Appupan poi." (Grandfather’s gone)
He went the way he liked... He fell down unconscious in front of our gate on his way home from the barber's... No broken bones or anything... Just a few scratches... I felt guilty... I could not give him the perfect exit... I must have got him his last beedi, or at least his last pakku... I would feel guilty about it forever... Since I had planned stocking one of each at home, if the need arose... But I didn’t think the end would happen so soon...
Slowly the news of his last few actions came in... He had talked to people standing just near our house... They said he was cheerful and hadn’t shown any pain or exhaustion... The doctor also said that he died because his heart stopped beating... Not a stroke, but his heart just stopped pumping blood... So the end came fast, like he liked...
Then came the message that made me happy in the middle of this tragedy... The local grocery man came to the funeral... He said, "Sir had come to my shop before coming home... We talked for a long time... Just before leaving, he bought a packet of pakku...”
Post-script
Ever since my sister's marriage was fixed, Appupan wanted it to happen no matter what happened to him... He kept saying that even if something happened to him, the marriage must happen... So, keeping in mind his last wish, we went ahead with the marriage...
And now, sitting here, nearly one year after I joined my job, I can say that all his last wishes were satisfied… Including the position in the front yard, where he wanted us to keep his ashes, as is the custom at our place… Even though, they have been removed about a year ago, I always steal glances to that spot, knowing well that he keeps watch over me…
I would like to end this with words taken from a post we received from a colleague of Appupan (grandfather)...
"I pray to Lord Padmanabha that may his noble soul rest in eternal peace"
