The cause of pain in this world is never the past;
it's always the future that was taken away from you.
So, if you had noticed, we had happened to skip the conversation last week. My grandmother left this world cos of old age last Saturday. The same grandmother who wanted to be at my wedding so badly, that we all were sure that that was the only reason she was living for.
I am at a loss of words actually. This is the second time such an unfortunate event has happened in my family. My grandfather passed away two weeks before my cousin sister's marriage in 2009. Even though we went ahead with the marriage, as was my grandfather's wish, she couldn't attend it. More reason for her to want to be at my wedding.
She was down with cough and cold when I got back home from training back on February 1st. When I talked to her then, her only demand was that she must be there at wedding. The fact that it is to be at Aluva, 250+ km from here was always going to make it difficult, but she made the journey successfully for the engagement, and we were hopeful of repeating it once she regained her health.
But once we had to take her to the hospital on 5th on account of low sodium levels, the chances of her attending the wedding started to wane. Because the last time she had low sodium levels, it took her two months to get back to full health and we didn't have that much time.
Time. It's a funny thing. The most conservative rule in my land states that you can't hold a marriage until 16 days have passed since someone close has passed away. A more relaxed rule puts that number at 41. So, my grandmother calculated it to perfection when she decided to leave us, exactly 42 days before my marriage.
I met last Saturday morning before I went to office. Doctors said that her sodium levels were back to normal and that she would be discharged in a day or two. She seemed frail, but that was on account of the general lack of health and compounded effect of the illness. She was shivering a lot too. But overall, it didn't seem as bad as it would eight hours later.
My final words to her were poittu varam ammumma [I'll come later grandma] and she replied in the affirmative. I didn't know then that she wouldn't reply when I came back in the evening.
Life is like that. The future is not always what you expect. What I had planned to do last weekend included watching an Arsenal match and then spending the Sunday calling up my friends and inviting them for my wedding. I ended up lifting the mortal remains of my grandmother, and generally, coming to terms with the situation.
And when the future you wanted changes to something unpleasant, that is when you feel the pangs of pain pressing into you. My wedding is the one of the biggest changes in my life, and I had planned for how it'll develop my relation with my grandmother. I had situations decided, scenes scripted and dialogues memorized. Now all that remains a would-have-been-future.
Even though she had never read this column, she knew very well that I write here every week, and used to keep enquiring about it. For the five things of this week, I want to talk about the five things I had planned for, which will forever remain just that.
***
1. Going to meet her with Ammu.
2. Reading to her the Ammu, Amma and Ammumma post I have planned for the Women's day next month.
3. Having her teach my nephew basic stuff like she had taught me.
4. Learning more stuff from her about the life in the just independent India.
5. Having her at my Marriage.
***
All I can thank the good lord is for the chance and good health he gave her to attend the engagement ceremony. Even though taking her back so close to the wedding is a little bit cruel, I guess this is better than me having to attend the wedding with her bed ridden back here in Trivandrum. At least now, I'll know that she'll be as close to me as she possibly can through out the wedding.
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