My Paranoid Friend - Fine Print

"Bhaiyya... Ye kaun sa gadi hai??"

The fluency of his Hindi, or actually, the lack of it did nothing to hide the fact that Anush was not a versatile speaker in his adopted language. For a guy brought up in South India, all the Hindi he had to speak in active life was when he had to help some hapless tourist in his hometown with some directions.

Of course, being a product of the Kendriya Vidyalaya family stood him in good stead. Because 10 years of mugging up for the Hindi exams made sure that he could fit in with the crowd easily, when he had to go north in pursuit of his career.

Right now, he was returning to his "new" hometown, Gurgaon, after a three day weekend trip. Even though it was considerably far, he had his reasons to go. I could never understand his illogical antics, nor could any of his other friends. Despite this, he was good of heart, and that endeared me to this fella. And it was public secret that I always referred to him as "My Paranoid friend".

Many say he was inspired from Ghajini, but I remember seeing him trimmed up top even before that, with hair so scant, that you will think that he left them there just to let us know that he aint bald. But being a lanky figure with no 6 packs, he didn’t intimidate people with his "style" like Aamir or Surya did in Ghajini.

Going back to the origins of the said train journey, I remember him saying that he had got held up on his way to the station. Feeling that the sights along the roadside were way too good to be not framed by his new camera, he decided to walk to the station. He set out two hours before the train's due arrival at the station 2km away, but he was so caught up with taking pictures on the way that he arrived with time to just enquire which platform his train was at.

The person at the counter, Hafez had just put in his mouth his daily quota of betel leaves. His doctor had told him to cut his daily consumption, after a false scare, when he wrongly diagnosed with throat cancer. Hafez dropped taking it at first due to the scare he received, but as time wore on, he made a pact with God, that he would have it just once every day. He just couldn’t kill off his addiction.

Anyways, standing before him now was a young man, very much like his own son, trying to get back to his place. Hafez knew Anush had missed the last announcement for that train, but he didn’t want to miss his five minutes in heaven. So he just pointed him onto a train leaving the station.

Clutching the general class ticket he had had the brains to take the day before, he jumped onto the moving wagon, and found himself in the company of some fellow ticketless travellers. Wanting to confirm that the betel-chewing monster at the desk hadn’t tricked him onto the wrong train, he sought the company of this “nearing-30, but still trying to look like a dude” dude, with “Bhaiyya... Ye kaun sa gadi hai??"

“Tumko kahan jaana hai?”
“Dilli”
“Ticket hai?”
“General”
“Tho yahan kahin bhayt jao. Subah hoti hi dilli paunch jaagoge”

The “yahan kahin” that the dude referred to was the “vast” space between the cabins and toilet of the coach. Though already filled up with a varied assortment of bags and people, Anush made some space for himself, and sat in front of the wash basin.

And then started the non-stop ranting from the dude. I call him “the dude”, because for some reason Anush and the dude didn’t ask each other’s names. The norm of exchanging pleasantries, which is common everywhere else, loses its significance in lonely long travels, when the main thing the solo traveller requires is a person to talk to.

Anush was more than happy to have someone for company, because he hadn’t had anyone to talk to for the past two days. But like I said, most of the talking was by the dude, with Anush only allowed to talk when questioned. But on hearing that Anush was a junior level employee at a big company, who makes as much money as the dude does after 8 years of working, the dude goes into hyper drive, trying to prove a point, that the dude is way better than Anush.

“You know, I had got an offer when I was at dilli. This friend of mine had a friend, who on seeing my marketing skills, asked me to come join his company. He offered me 6 lakhs per month, a flat in east Delhi and a brand new four wheeler of minimum 8 lakhs. But I said no. These people offer these things, give you half of what they offer and make you stay for 5-8 years at the same place. And you gotta work like a slave to them.”

“I don’t like that. I want freedom. That’s why I chose this job. Yes, it pays less and it’s far away from home, but it gives me the freedom I need. Just last week, I barged into the room of my Area Manager and told him to make a decision about...”

Anush doesn’t actually remember what topic the dude discussed with his boss in such pompous fashion. He was actually trying to figure out what was the meaning of the dude’s t-shirt. It had the view of a city at sunset, with five skyscrapers. The one in the middle was the tallest one, with others decreasing in height symmetrically. And to add to the confusion, there was a letter “U” at the bottom of all this. Maybe, some new brand.

“… and so I told him that I will work when I want to work, and not any time else.” Anush had forgotten all about the monotonous talk that was going on beside him. “You should have seen his face. That fool with an MBA, only God knows from where he got it, wanted to kill me, but he couldn’t because I am the best he has in marketing. I just gave him my leave application and left.”

“Sitaphal… Meeta Sitaphal”, came the cry of a hawker from somewhere inside the train. “Say, would you like some sitaphal?? You must try it. It’s good for your body and health.” Saying so, the dude flagged down the passing hawker and asked him the price.
“Teen ka beez.”
“Arae yaar.. Paanch de de”

And after some shrewd wordplay, the dude was able to get five sitaphal at 20 rupees. Maybe, he wasn’t lying the whole time after all. Maybe he really is a good marketer like he said. As Anush was thinking over these lines, he was offered a sitaphal by a smiling dude.

Even though Anush tried to decline the offer, dude was persistent, and Anush had to accept it. Anush got up to wash the fruit, and that’s when his eyes fell on a poster above the wash basin. He sat down and began to read it. It was the usual poster you see in the coaches, saying “Passengers shouldn’t accept food from strangers, while travelling, as it might be drugged.” There was some fine print there too, but he couldn’t read it from where he was sitting.

As he bit into the sweet juicy flesh of the fruit, Anush thought about the futility of such messages. Now, who in their right minds would do such a thing? With so many instances of robbery on train committed using this MO, Anush was sure that nobody would fall for this trick. And that’s when it struck him.

He was doing exactly what the poster asked him not to do. And now, it was his paranoid mind which went into hyper drive.
Maybe the dude had planted himself there to get hapless people like him. Maybe the hawker was his accomplice, who came at the right time to sell the sitaphal. And didn’t he notice a prolonged eye contact when the hawker gave him the last fruit, the one dude gave him right now.
Such and more thoughts on this line whirred around his almost-bald head, until it struck him.
“Oh My God!!! I’m gonna get robbed.”

Anush hastily faked biting into a bad core, said a few curses out loud at the fruit, and threw it out the window. Dude offered him one more, but Anush, wisely refused it. As the baritone from the dude continued, Anush was thinking of how he could escape. And he was suddenly feeling sleepy. Even though he kept assuring himself that the cause for this was two days of sleeplessness and not a drugged fruit, he decided he could risk sitting there much longer.

Anush stood up. He had a confirmed ticket from the next station to dilli, and he just had to hitch a ride in this sleeper coach only till there. He told this to the dude, and said he was gonna go to his seat, as the next station was coming up soon. The dude was sad on hearing this, and asked Anush to keep him company a little while longer, but Anush was able to get himself loose from the dude’s grip.

Cursing his bad luck, Anush made his way to his coach. The walking was what he needed to lose his drowsiness, and he felt quite energetic as he reached his seat, just as the train reached the next station. The people who were sitting there got down at that station. Now, he didn’t have worry about travelling without a ticket. He jumped onto to his seat, and waited for his co-passengers to arrive. It was a family of four - father, mother and two kids.

He talked with the family for a few minutes, just out of basic courtesy. But the children took a liking to him, and he had to put off sleeping for an hour or so, as he played with kids. The mother called in the kids to give them some snacks, and Anush told them he was gonna sleep for a while, and that he would play with them later.

As he was getting himself ready for sleeping, the mother called out to him and asked him if he wanted some of the snacks. He refused, but she was persuasive, and the kids said they will eat only if he too ate it. Seeing the kid’s love for him, he couldn’t say no, and partook in their pre-lunch snacking.

And after that mini-meal, he set himself at the window seat, looking out at the passing scenery. The gentle rocking of the train, coupled with the cool breeze on his face was enough for him to lose his guard, and as he was lullabied into the ever-waiting sleep, he opened his eyes one more time, and it fell on the same poster he had seen earlier. It was stuck right opposite him on the wall, and now he could read the fine print.

"These miscreants are known to pose as a family, to catch the passengers off guard"