LUCKY ME (5 things - Week 109)

I guess there is no continuing the recent past trend of holding our conversations in this fortnightly, story telling format for the present future.

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1. THE BULL'S EYE

Bull's eye is a pretty simple concept - how accurately can you hit a target. And I'm about to tell you how good of a, um sharp shooter I am. But the kind of target hitting I intend to pursue doesn't include shooting any ballistic projectiles. It has more to do with hitting a car with a bike.

Suppose you are coming along a highway like road at 60kmph - not too fast, but not too slow either. You see an Innova taking a U turn from the opposite side, coming on to your road. As is the case of many such on road interactions, a split second communication takes place between the two drivers - a dialogue which mostly doesn't use words. The message from the opposite driver is deciphered by how he sets the path for his vehicle.

In this case, the Innova driver showed intend to do a U turn, and you made it clear that you are going to move forward, keeping the same speed. At this moment, the car in front of you decides to slow down and stop right at the intersection. And the Innova guy decides to take a full right turn instead of the U. What happens it that the road in front of you is completely blocked - to the left by the stopped car, to the right by the waylaying Innova.

What do you do??

Let me help you. You proceed on your path, altering just enough to make sure that you hit the middle of the front wheel of the perpendicularly laying Innova. And let me assure you that it works. You'll shaken to your core, but the only actual damage will be to your bike. I would have had a very different story to tell you if this wasn't possible.

2. THE BULL

We will not be done with the "bull"ish theme to this conversation even after this one. The last story is also a bull story. Let's finish this one first though.

This is a story, of which even though I'm the primary protagonist, the events took place at an age where I was too young to keep them stored in memory for eternity. The tale for this story comes mostly from hearsay, and over the course of time, as in any story based on hearsay, the effects are magnified in each telling. I present my own abridged version here.

I was maybe three years old at that time. I had gone to a temple with some cousins, but decided to go back home on my own. I had to take a route which included a narrow alleyway. As I entered the alleyway from one end, a bull, of yet unknown owner and free of its master's grip, entered at the other end. A clash of horns and baby bones, and a subsequent sorry end, was inevitable for yours truly.

Nobody knows from where, or how or why, but he suddenly appeared, swiped me off the ground and put me on top of the wall, and moved himself into safety afterwards, keeping a hand on me throughout. That superman was my Grandfather.

3. DESTINY'S DESTINATION

When talking about how lucky I'm, I always have to talk about us. In July of 2013, I was employed at Gurgaon, taking home a pretty good paycheck every month, and she was deciding to put off joining for that PG Diploma course for six months. Two years down the road, I'm writing this, and I can't wait to see the smile on her face when she reads this line.

4. LITTLE BIG THINGS

As we are doing a lucky me theme, let me just take this moment to thank from the bottom of my heart, every known-unknown source of my luck, who knowingly/unknowingly chose to bestow upon me their bit of luck, so that it made my life at least a little bit better. And for those of you awaiting your luck, it might already have come to you - you just wouldn't have realized it.

5. THE BULL'S EYE AGAIN

Let me recount my first experience of hitting a bull's eye. I was fresh off driving school, with a shiny new driving license in my pocket. I was on my way somewhere when I happened to hit another bike on it's mudguard. This would be an inconsequential offense these days which would end in a polite sorry from me. But on that day, for my first traffic accident, I chose to do this to a Police unit bike. Talk about hitting the Bull's eye.

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So, that's all for this week then.

Have a great weekend!!

'til next week.

Blog me, maybe (5 things - Week 108)

Okay. So here is what we are going to do. We are going to pretend to ignore the fact that I haven't been here for the past three weeks. I'm pretty sure that you are bored of my lackadaisical commitments and relinquished responsibilities. On a personal level, I'm tired of making up excuses. Maybe I should change the 'week' in the title to 'part' back and just get on with it.

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THING ONE

If only the travails of monotony could be charged in the courts of criminal boredom, then only could you bring a man back from insanity. I don't expect you to understand that. I wouldn't write if I wanted you to understand. And if you were able to understand, I'm confident that I wouldn't find you here.

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THING TWO

I went to the beach today evening. Of course, she came with me - turns out that it is some unwritten law that we have to be together forever and wherever and whatever. Who knew, right?

Well, there were a lot of people at the beach, even though monsoon season started last week. I don't think there is any sanity left in humanity these days. I know there isn't any left in us - cos we fell for a scam of 5 million milli-paise. There was this guy selling kites, and he was flying it pretty fine. My wife sees this, thinks of 'The Kite Runner' book she finished yesterday, and says she wants one. Only problem is she doesn't know how to fly one. And then looks at me and says,

"I'm pretty sure that you know how to."

If you are a man, then you know you are trapped cos of your ego. If you are a woman, you know you can trap a man by his ego like this.

So, I ended up willfully, knowingly, submissively submitting myself to the scam. What helped salvage some pride was the fact that by holding the string at a height equal to my height plus my arm's length, the kite was at a respectable point in air - higher than what other people could achieve, but still casting envious glances at the kite in the hand of the scammer.

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THING THREE

"So, you think that's conspiracy-ious? Our company's board passed a resolution to the effect that we would get the then Chief Minister to inaugurate our 400th store in the state within the end of the next quarter. This was passed in the penultimate week of the present quarter.

And as is everywhere else - The board passes, the slaves enforces. It was then that we came to know that the CM was free for a slot only in the first month. And as per our original plan, we would reach our 400th stall by the end of the quarter only. This was when my supervisor gave a very valuable piece of advice.

"Whichever store the CM inaugurates, that's our 400th stall."

As you would have guessed by now, the stall which was opened by the CM was numbered 400, and the stall which was opened after that is still carrying the number 381."

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THING FOUR

So, my phone was finally fixed up this week. Motorola came through for me, and had my new screen delivered in time, and I was able to have my phone back in top notch shape within ten days of lodging my complaint officially. Well, almost top notch. After the screen fix, I noticed that the maximum volume of the speaker was barely audible. I took it to the service center again today.

He said it was not the problem with the speaker, but a software issue. He wanted to format, but I said I'll do it later after backing up my data. So, he put my phone back together let me continue my journey to the beach. After reaching the beach, I tried to unlock my phone. Lo and Behold. The power button was not working. Thanks to a combination of smart display and screen locking app, I'll have no major problems. At least I have a screen to look at. Last week, it wasn't so.

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THING FIVE

It's Barcelona vs Juventus in the Champions League final which will start soon - under four hours to go as I finish this sentence. I hope it'll be as interesting as it's built up to. I know I don't watch the regular games these two teams partake in, and am looking at this from a premeditated point of view.

But when you consider that the quotes associated with the teams are 'Pass like the Spanish' and 'Defend like the Italians', I'm afraid that it might just be a bore fest. Only one way to find out though.

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THING ZERO

When the fog finally lifts, the clouds disappear and the sun starts shining again, I know I'll find you right where I left you.

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So, that's all for this week then.

Have a great weekend!!

'til next week.

A very nice surprise (5 things - Week 107)

I'm confident that you are surprised to see me back here so soon - I just hope that it is a pleasant surprise. I have some time on my hands, and no one/chore is pressing me to spend it on them/it. And since, I've been ignoring you lot a little more than usual for the past few weeks, I thought I would spend it here.

I do this quite a lot for my own liking. For example, I read this Shiva Namajabba board in the temple in front of my home, everyday when I go there. There are 102 slokas, and it takes upto five minutes to finish. If on a particular day I find myself in a hurry, then I would skip it; and then would read it twice the next time I'm there. Compensation is what you might call it; I tend to think of it as giving the due due.

Unfortunately, this doesn't work in all situations. There is no point in reading a particular chapter after the exam is over. There is no point in going for your anniversary dinner, three days after the day you were supposed to. There is no point in talking to a picture frame after the person you want to talk to has left this world.

So, with that deep thought, I am going to start giving the due due here. How about "5 things" which came as an unpleasant surprise, followed by a disturbingly pleasant one??

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1. The unreserved journey PART I

On May 3rd, we started on a train journey hoping that a general ticket could be converted on board to a better seating arrangement. Unfortunately, the plan fell through disastrously - as was mentioned in the last post. I had to stand suffocated for the whole five hour journey in a coach, which was carrying twice the people it was designed to seat.

2. The unreserved journey PART II

For May 9th, I had booked a ticket to Guruvayoor so that I could attend my friend's wedding the following day. Four hours before the journey, I checked my messages, my email and my IRCTC account to confirm the coach and seats. It was then that I realized that I hadn't actually booked the tickets. Still to keep a promise, we took a bus, stayed at her home overnight, then drove a total of 180km on Sunday to attend the marriage. Somehow, a routine journey was messed to its maximum extent.

3. The SMARTPHONE blackout

Again, as was mentioned in the last post, my phone has gone completely black during the unreserved journey Part II. The touch facility works, so it is still partly useful. You just need to know the area where to press, swipe or touch.

4. The Houseful week

There is this tradition of visiting your relatives house for a feast after you marriage. The idea behind the tradition must be to entertain the new couple as well as to get to know the new member of the family. We had skipped going for that during April because I was regularly late from office. The end result was that the first week of May was packed with these. And as expected, I was shifted on to another job, resulting in the erstwhile kind of homecoming. Still, we stayed strong and completed the whole ordeal.

5. The Speed denial

Late on last Thursday night, we were on our way back home from dinner, when I realized that I had to refill my Avenger. We stopped at a nearby petrol station to find out that they only had more refined, costlier version of the usual stuff. To save around three rupees, I decided to postpone the chore to the next day.

The next day I woke up to the news that the petrol prices have gone up by a little over three rupees.

NOTE - That one petrol pump got an additional profit of three rupees for every litre that they didn't sell on Thursday, by selling it on Friday. They always talk of an unholy axis, and this does nothing to disprove that.

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In case you are wondering what was the good surprise I had, I won't make you wait any longer. I had gone to buy chicken today morning from the local shop. It was a thing I used to dread - even though I love the thought of putting my teeth into the supple flesh of a deliciously cooked chicken, I have nightmares about going out and buying the same.

It might be the omniscient blood; the grimness prevailing because of the impending death; the chuckles and the cries of the sacrificial fowls which are heard, but unheard; or the blank expressions on the faces of the children on their first visit here - they thought they were on a regular shopping trip.

Anyways, today there were no palpitations, no urge to run out, no vomiting tendency induced due to the blood. I didn't feel anything. To test myself, I pushed myself as close as possible to the guy who was slitting their throats and putting them in the bin. ZILCH.

Maybe the standards have fallen cos of the unfair and unfortunate surprises. Maybe this is a part of growing. Maybe I've finally got "tremendous mental strength" [a Wenger favorite]. But one thing is for sure. I've changed.

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So, that's all for this week then.

Have a great weekend!!

'til next week.

Cheater cheater!! (5 things - Week 106)

So I was sitting there beside a window today evening, enjoying the heavy rains lashing outside, thinking of how the hell I was going to get back home with the floods on the road which was imminent. It was then that I was finally reminded of you. Yes, you - the faithful followers of this conversation, which has been stalled on by its conversor.

I can't keep blaming this on external factors. I had vowed to keep writing something daily, and for the past two weeks, I basically stood you all up. I can't blame it on work, on new found personal responsibilities, commitments or enjoyments. I need to put my hands up and shoulder the whole, complete, universal responsibility for my digressions. It is on account of the lack of planning and commitment from yours truly.

We had crossed two years of this conversation in the middle of all this non-drama. Last year, we had a special post in which I had actually written the post by hand, and posted it on the blog by uploading the photos. This year, ZILCH. Sorry, but I have always been bad with regards to anniversaries. [I hope you read the last statement Ammu, cos that is going to be my defense in all the fights we are going to have in the future. You were forewarned.]

I think I'll just go ahead with today's blog now. The origin of this thought flow goes back two weeks. We tried to ride our luck on our way back home from Kochi, by taking a general ticket, and converting it into sleeper or AC, once we were onboard. To say that the plan backfired would be an understatement. We had discounted the fact that it was the culmination of a three day weekend. The train was packed to the rafters. I counted [I had the time you see] 176 people in one coach. And that was the case of a reserved sleeper coach. I don't even want to imagine the count in an unreserved one.

I had actually kept my SMARTPHONE to full charge so that I won't be bored through the five hour journey. I had kept enough video content to keep me engaged, when I felt bored of hearing the music or of playing the indulging games. And by God, was I wrong. The "5 things" for this week will be on the same.

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1. I wish my SMARTPHONE could become a bag of chips.

I had the audacity to believe that I'll get a seat. So much so that I declined the offer to have lunch at home, and packed everything to have after getting seated in the train. That parcel was still untouched when I reached back home.

2. I wish my SMARTPHONE could become a bottle of water. 

Because of the huge rush, the Pantry car people found it tough to move inside the compartments. The result was that we were cut off of our valuable supplies of snacks and drinks.

3. I wish my SMARTPHONE could become a chair.

Again, because of the huge rush, I couldn't find a seat, and had to stand on my two legs all the way.

4. I wish my SMARTPHONE could become a fan.

Standing in a crowd, with no food, no water, suffocation starts to settle in. It is then that you wish you had some fresh air come in and punch you right in the face.

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TIP - In such suffocating circumstances, it would be wise to spend some time inside the toilet in the train. One, the person per square feet drops to a very low value once you are inside. Two, the window can be nudged open enough to let in a drought, which is refreshing to say the least. Three, make sure you get out before the train stops at the next station, cos the lack of air flow is going to make the stench unable to bear.

NOTE - Even though the evidence points to the contrary, this TIP IS NOT THE RESULT of the author spending thirty odd minutes inside the train's lavatory.

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5. I wish my SMARTPHONE could become a SMARTPHONE again.

Last weekend, I was on my way from Trivandrum to Kochi [yeah I do this travel thingy a lot these days]. A blue spot appeared on my phone. I let it slide thinking that it was my pen's ink. I checked an hour later. There were more spots. It covered the whole screen. Then it changed to a mossy green colour. Then everything went black. And so now, my SMARTPHONE is still smart, but is not able to show me how smart it actually is.

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So, as I trudge towards the second week of leaving a SMARTPHONE less life, I would like you to realize that life without a SMARTPHONE is possib........ BAAAAAAH.. I WANT MY SMARTPHONE BACK.....

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So, that's all for this week then.

Have a great weekend!!

'til next week.

Meh 2?? (5 things - Week 105)

What is the biggest mistake you have ever made in your life?? If the answer to that question comes to your mind easily, then we'll have to infer that you've been scarred for life. If the answer requires some serious chin scratching, then either you've never been reasonably disappointed, or you have been done the wrong way, way too many times.

It's not normal to think about the dark side when you are standing, basking in the sun in the middle of a park in Spring, but I've never assured you of sticking to what may be called the generally accepted levels of sanity. At least, you have to remember that I am still the owner of the now dormant blog, "The pasture of lunacy".

So, what shall we do for the "5 things" tonight?? If you are thinking that I'm going to do a Chetan Bhagat and list out the "5 mistakes of my life" through a third person narrative of an analogous protagonist, then you are sadly mistaken. It's not that I don't want to, but I'm still compiling the list. And yes, I'll let you know once I finish.

I've this habit of cooking up one liners in my spare time. One liners which generally are private, either because of their perverted nature or their intended target. I have claimed that they are original in any respect. If I had to give a reason for the inherent plagiarism, then it would be similar to the reply given by the music directors who get caught -

"There are only 26 letters in the alphabet, and hence there is a limit to the number of meaningfully permissible permutations and combinations - however large a number it may be. So, there is always a probability that what Mr.X says is in someways similar to what Mr.Y said."

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1. Let's begin quite unceremoniously. If you are ever on a bus/train, and are lucky enough to choose between side seats on the opposite end of the aisle, always co relate the position of the sun and the direction of travel to minimize the sun burn. It's not pretty when you are sitting in the sun, wishing you had chosen the right option.

2. How about another free advice regarding bus journey?? Never chose a seat near to or on top of the wheel, especially if you are traveling inside Kerala. Well you could, but only if you want to know how a  throughly shaken soda can feels like.

3. Let's go airborne for this one. If you are planning to travel by air on a Sunday or a Monday, you would be a brave soul to chose Air India. The reason for my supposedly pessimistic opinion can be found in my last post.

4. Shall we move to the seas for a change?? I'm pretty sure you won't mind as you are hardly in a mood to participate actively. So I might as well decide for you. If you plan to go to Lakshadweep, let it be made known to you that there are only very few vessels ferrying passengers and cargo to and fro from the mainland.

5. We've covered land, air and seas. Wonder where we could go next?? Space is an option. But we'll refrain from deliberately discussing it in order to wait for an opportunity to experience it first hand.

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Meh 2 only because I'm not sure if I've used Meh before.

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This epilogue has got nothing to do with whatever has been written above. This is all but a genuine doubt from yours truly. Today I was asked by a friend, who was here in Thiruvananthapuram on deputation, to suggest a place for him to meet up with some other friends. All I could answer was the Napier Museum garden, which he said was the most popular answer to that question. Hence, it is also the most stale answer. I would love to hear suggestion from my fellow City-zens. Please feel free to disturb me with your answers.

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So, that's all for this week then.

Have a great weekend!!

'til next week.